The Dodgers are to blame for KStew cheating on RPatz? I'm not surprised.
If you are anything like me, you are obviously pretty broken hearted over this whole KStew cheating on RPatz thing. I haven't been able to eat for weeks. I've barely slept a wink. People may confuse me with that of a homeless person, as I haven't showered or shaved in weeks. WHY KSTEW!?!?! WHY!?!?! There had to be more to this! They seemed like such a happy (horrible acting) couple!! Then it all came to me....THE DODGERS BROKE THEM UP!!! Why is that you ask? Well read on....
Rewind to 2011. RPatz was spotted out wearing a Padres hat. Scratch that, an awesome Padres BROWN hat. Nevermind the Bengals sweatshirt, because we are talking about Padre hats. Don't get sidetracked here. At the time, he said in numerous interviews that he grew up a fan of Tony Gwynn, Benito Santiago, Robbie Alomar & Bip Roberts. He had the "brown & orange running through his blood" he once stated. He would often say "BOLLOCKS!" to Jack Clark and Mike Pagliarulo. On the relationship side, things couldn't be better as him & KStew were happily living together and planning for the future.
Fast forward to 2012. Some high priced stylist informed him that while in LA he should wear a Dodgers hat. He said "F*ck you stylist. I'm RPatz and I am a HUGE Padres fan. I'll never wear a Dodger hat as long as I live!" That's when they informed RPatz that they had his family at gunpoint and unless he wore the hat they'd be killed. He obliged.
Look at that man. Never have I seen such fear on a mans face.
KStew had been seen wearing his clothes many times throughout their relationship. The Cincinnati sweatshirt pictured above, dirty flannels, various hats and who knows what else. Then she made her biggest mistake yet....she put on the Dodger hat.
The rest, as they say, is history. In her statement admitting to the fling, with her married Snow White and the Huntsmen director Rupert Sanders, she said "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life.." The average person may say "She's obviously talking about cheating" but nay, that's where you are wrong Mr. or Mrs. Average Person. She was actually talking about wearing the Dodger hat. Can you argue that it wasn't a "momentary indiscretion" and caused "embarrassment" to wear a Dodger hat? You can't.
Maybe someday I'll get over the breakup of Hollywood's #1 couple but I can never forget the pain you have caused Dodgers hat.
*Some parts of this post may, or may not, be made up. I'll let you decide which.
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When I stand in line at the grocery store, buying 22 oz bottles of Ballast Point's Dorado Double IPA to assuage my pain on nights that Edinson Volquez pitches, I often look at the magazines. I look at Robert Pattison and Kristen Stewart and I ask, "Why, God? Fucking Why?"
Now I know. And I thank you.
